Pass it forward

Image: 1 courtesy of 18 55 Photography

The parable of the hungry little boy

There once was a little boy who lived on the streets of New York and was always hungry.

On Monday morning a senior executive from a hedge fund walked past him; The executive had received a free bread-roll with his coffee from the local Starbucks. Since he was on a low-carb diet, he carelessly tossed it away. Luckily for the small boy, the bread-roll landed on his lap (the boy’s, not the executive’s)On this first day the boy had something to eat, and did not go hungry.

On Tuesday, a Social Security worker walked past this same little boy. His heart was broken by the sight of a young & vulnerable child on the harsh streets of New York. He decided to stop at the bakery across the road, and used the few coins in his pocket to buy a bread-roll for the boy. On this second day the boy had something to eat, and did not go hungry.

On Wednesday a visiting politician from Washington D.C. walked past the boy, and saw a golden opportunity for some positive PR. He took his PR consultant’s lunch box, removed a bread-roll that was in it, and asked him to take a photo of him magnanimously giving the boy some food. On this third day the boy had something to eat, and did not go hungry.

Who was a better giver: The senior executive; the Social Security worker, or the politician? If you’re like most of us, you will say the Social Security worker. In our judgemental eyes, he was the only generous soul; the senior executive was simply careless, and the politician self-serving.

Yet truth is they all gave a bread-roll away. To the small boy, all three acts of kindness were equal. At the end of the day, each and every one of them allowed him to avoid hunger in a cold, winter New York day.

So what?

In our current society, we often judge others’ acts of generosity on the basis of the giver’s intentions & motivations. We believe that giving must be done with love in our hearts to be worthy of praise. But wouldn’t it be even more admirable if you gave something even when you were not inspired; when you were not feeling generous; even when you simply did not feel like it?

We all feel inspired by the person who has nothing yet gives much; in a certain way, that generosity is remarkable, and needs to be praised, if for no other reason than to recognise a selfless and generous spirit we have come across in our day. Yet we must be careful. Simply because giving with little in our pocket and a generous heart is a good thing, does not mean that we should fail to acknowledge any giving that does not come in the company of those admirable traits.

The greatest gift : giving in spite of yourself

We usually give when we are in a good mood, feeling either wealthy or generous. Yet we often feel unworthy to participate in the gift of giving if we feel motivated to do so because it has a positive impact in our taxes; because we feel just a tinge of guilt from our latest excesses; or because someone who we love is watching us and we do not want to be seen as too selfish.

It has been said that many volunteers get a strong sense of purpose from donating their time, and that at the end of the day, they are giving not so much because they love others and want to help them; but because they love themselves and feeling useful makes them happy. Should we snub them and their efforts because of it?

Or course not!

Just remember that to those on the receiving end, your motivation makes very little difference. Next time you feel like you need to be in the right frame of mind before you give to others, get over your moralistic impulses and Just Do It. The person who benefits from your kindness will appreciate it regardless of your motivations!

Image: and just where do you think you’re going? by MegElizabeth

Being kind to others can sometimes be done indirectly. Have you ever stopped to think of the problems that litter in the streets create?

• Plastic can holders can choke
• Fishing line can strangle animals – especially birds
• Broken glass bottles can cut
• Balloons and plastic bags can kill children and small animals
• Cans can trap

In addition, it can help spread bacteria;attract vermin & rodents to our suburbs; and it creates a visually unappealing cityscape for visitors.

So next time you’re strolling down your street, pick up that empty can and carry it out to the next bin. If you’re worried about getting bacteria in your hands, you can carry disposable gloves with you; a small bottle of antibacterial hand-gel (you can get those at most chemists); or simply wash your hands soon after you dispose of the rubbish.

Image: Escalera (Museo Botero) by David Yazo

In Dan Millman’s book Everyday Enlightenment, the last chapter discusses the topic of Serving Others. Halfway through that chapter , Dan includes a wonderful quote from Lynne Twist, one of the founders of The Hunger Project:

People think that service is a kind of charity – strong people giving to weak people, healthy people giving to sick people, rich people giving to poor people, together people giving to people who aren’t so together.

To me, true service is an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, fullness, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency for all parties – an experience of the magnificence and infinite capacity of human beings. When I’m really in service, I disappear. My identity is no longer present. I am one with he or she or that which I am serving. It is actually an experience of God, of unity and wholeness. There is nobody giving and nobody receiving. None of that is happening. There is only an experience of unity. We begin to see that we are the expression of one soul.

An act of service is an act of love and trust. It’s also an act of responsibility and of courage… a stand for the integrity of human life.

In this profound quote, Lynne hints to the true benefits of generosity. Passing your kindness forward is a transcendental action, one which provides the giver and the receiver with a greater sense of being, of connection to all that is. Lynne describes it a as ‘experience of God‘, something you will experience regardless of your religious inclination.

Giving & Receiving is a part of life; we do it every day. Embrace it with a whole and open heart, and become more aware of all that you give and receive from life every day, and you may find a deeper meaning in what appear to be very ordinary moments. Yet by becoming more aware of the connectedness that links you to the rest of the human race, you will find that there are, in fact, very little ordinary moments.

Pass It forward; not only will it soon come back with interest, but you will also find the experience uplifting for your soul and spirit.

Image: Matching colors!!! by * Ahmad Kavousian *

In a previous reflection, we discussed the need to balance giving and receiving in your life (link). This week, I will show how adopting a giving attitude can land you big money. In the case of a lucky Samaritan, it will mean landing a cool $1 million dollars.

The Big Give: Reality TV, Oprah style

If you have watched Oprah before, you will probably have seen some of her TV stints at generosity. Whether you like her show or not, it is undeniable that Oprah has a generous soul. In a number of episodes, she has given some serious gifts to those in the audience, including cars, Plasma TVs, and other high-value items (link). In other cases, she has given money away, with the clause that the recipients are not to spend it on themselves, but rather must Pass it Forward (link).

Now Oprah has outdone herself by taking previous executions of ‘Giving’ to a new level. If you have watched shows such as Donald Trump’s The Apprentice (link), Australian Idol(link), or the infamous Big Brother (link), then you are familiar with the standard ‘Reality TV’ format: A bunch of aspirants will start a contest, with one of them being ’evicted’ every week. Oprah’s Big Give uses the same concept, but the tasks given to participants each week are based around helping someone in need.

$1 million dollars as prize money? Cool!

But competitors in this new Reality TV show don’t know that at the end of the rainbow there is a very neat gold pot with $1 million dollars in prize money. This is Oprah’s way of rewarding those that excel at the art of helping others. Apparently, Oprah wanted those in the contest to have a somewhat altruistic motive behind their efforts, so the prize was kept a secret until the end of the show. In the words of Ellen Rakieten,Winfrey’s TV partner since 1986 and co-executive producer of the show, “The fact [that] people had no idea there was a prize at the end makes it very pure“.

So if money or fame are not the apparent goal, why do people spend a significant part of their life to participate in this TV Show? Apparently they were all big fans of Oprah to start with; and were emotionally invested in earning Oprah’s grace & praise. For skeptics, the lure of TV fame and potential earnings after the show finishes will put a shade of impurity behind their motives; yet it is pretty clear that to win in this game, you must have a big heart, and a ton of practical wisdom to make altruism work in the real world.

When good motives are not good enough

As with every Reality TV show, part of the appeal will be in the frictions and challenges that arise every time you put a group of strangers working together. Just because there is a great cause behind them, it doesn’t mean that friction, bickering, and high emotions will be absent. As the series progresses, the challenges given to contestants grow in difficulty, increasing at the same time the pressure on contestants; and with it the likelihood of explosive (and highly entertaining) moments.

According to Andrew Ryan, an Arts reporter in the Canadian Globe&Mail that got a sneak preview of the series, the first episode is full of difficult moments:

“People get lost on the freeway, and contestants [were] frustrated in their attempts to mount immediate charity events to raise money for their subject. Nerves frayed, and cat-fights broke out” (link)

Casting allegedly was not aimed at choosing personalities that would clash, as is the case in many other Reality TV Shows; and whilst producers had a choice on whether to show those moments or not, it is clear that given the format selected for the show, this is a feature that will be expected by its viewers.

Does this diminish the goal? Does it make Oprah’s efforts less valuable? I don’t believe it does. If you have tried to carry out good and altruistic deeds before, you too will known that helping others can be hard work. Making that aspect of giving more clear and visible to viewers will allow everyone to make more informed choices. It also helps Good-Samaritans-to-be in having a more realistic perspective of what it will take; and make them more prepared for those times when things won’t go their way. This in turn will allow them to realise that overcoming obstacles is a normal part of the process of helping those in need.

Helping people help themselves

Back to the show: In order to win, contestants must take the hard approach to helping those in need. As the Chinese proverb says, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime“. With $2,500 as seed money at the start of each episode, Oprah’s Big Give contestants are supposed to show the person how to get out of trouble for good, rather than to provide temporary reprieve from difficult times.

There is also little in the way of choice about who to help: A panel of 3 judges who will make the decisions on which contestant to evict after each episode is also responsible for choosing the ’cause of the week’ for each team at the start of each episode.

Whether you’re in it for its entertainment value, for its ideas on how to make the world a better place; or simply because you’re a big fan of everything Oprah touches, Oprah’s Big Give is a recommended show for the comming TV season.

May the best Samaritan win.

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Links

• Oprah’s Big Give (link)
• Review of Oprah’s Big Give in the Globe&Mail (link)
• Oprah gives gifts to her audience (link)
• As seen in Oprah: Passing kindness forward (link)
• A Balanced perspective: Give as much as you receive (link)
• The Apprentice (link)
• Australian Idol(link)
• Big Brother (link)

Image: S is for Superman by Xurble

Sounds far fetched, doesn’t it? But like every other story in this blog, it is absolutely true.

I’d like to introduce you to Heroic Stories; let’s see what they have to say about themselves:

As a bonus, subscribing is free, and will deliver stories to your inbox on a regular basis. The current story (12 February ‘08) is particularly fitting to this blog, as it is a Pass it Forward story! The story starts with the protagonist observing a humble family in a freeway on an old pickup truck loaded with what appears to be their entire belongings: Mattresses; toys; boxes full of clothes. As a heavy storm approaches, this person observes an old lady rush into a convenience store, come out with a large sheet of plastic, and motion the wife to help her cover the back of the truck with the heavy plastic sheeting. The story finishes with this beautiful line: I rolled down my window as the little old lady and the young mother emerged to meet at the rear of the pick-up. And I heard the wizened (and soaking wet) little old lady say, “Don’t thank me, Just Pas It On when you have the opportunity.” (The full story is right now in the archives – click here and look for ‘Rainstorm’)

Image by Twenty Questions

Can social networks and virtual communities revolutionize charitable giving?

This is the question that Georgia Levenson asks in a post on Slate entitled “The Facebook Philantropos” (link). Although many people expect that philantropy will be democratised by viral marketing tools like Facebook’s ‘Causes’ application, or MySpace’s Impact add-on, the cold reality is that philantropy is yet another area of modern life where the 80/20 Pareto rule still is alive and kicking: 80% of the contributions to social causes come from 20% of contributors.

Should this discourage us from active participation? After all, a primary motivation for those donating money or time to worthwhile causes is to ‘make a difference’. When you put your contribution into context, it begs the question of ‘is it wortwhile’?

Because only you can answer that question, I’d like to share my perspective on the question. Every time I decide to conduct a Randm Act of Kindness, to donate money to a wortwhile charity, or to give some of my time to making a difference, I remind myself of the following: Only I can give my time, my money, my kindness. And when I do, I make a difference – no matter how small it may be – to someone’s life. To the millions of people that get helped by the millionaire’s contributions, my assistance meant nothing at all. But for the one person that my action helped, it meant the world. And that is why I choose to continue giving to others.

Yesterday (7 Feb ‘08), the Pittsburgh Post Gazette started reporting on Random Acts of Kindness (link). They even encourage their readership to submit more stories by sending an email to page2@post-gazette.com.

The first story they share is touching, as it shows how a seemingly small act of kindness can change someone’s life:

On Nov. 15 of last year, I was leaving South Hills Village mall when I lost my footing on a curb. I fell and hit my head, hard.

I was lucky to have two strangers stop to help me. Little did I know just how fortunate I would turn out to be.

The man and the woman firmly ignored my request to let me just get up and proceed to the T station. They knew that I needed immediate medical attention.

The woman parked her SUV in a way that shielded me from traffic and passers-by, and covered me with a wrap so that I would stay warm. The man called 911 and acted on its instructions not to let me move.

They both stayed with me until the ambulance arrived.

At UPMC Presbyterian, I was found to have bleeding on my brain. Emergency surgery was performed.

If those two people had let me go up and go on my way, I would not be here to write this letter.

I didn’t get your names. Wherever you are, let me say to you, with no exaggeration:

Thank you for saving my life.

– PAULETTE DOBROVOLSKIS, South Side

I hope next time you see someone having a bad fall, you will feel inspired to help them instead of laughing at them, as many of us do these days.

Should you focus on doing Random Acts of Kindness, or on systematically being good to others?

According to Stanford University’s professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, you should do both. Her research proves that our ability to ‘Be Happy’ is determined 50% by your ’set point’ for happiness (ie. genetic influence), 10% is determined by the circumstances in your life, and the remaining  40% is determined by your own attitudes, values & behaviours link.

In that article, she suggests a number of personal strategies to increase your levels of happiness, and amongst them is the following gem:

 - Practicing Acts of Kindness
These should be both random (let the dad with the crying baby go ahead of you at the check-out counter) and systematic (read a newspaper to an elderly neighbor). Being kind to others, whether friends or strangers, triggers a cascade of positive effects : it makes you feel compassionate and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others and earns you smiles, approval and reciprocated kindness. These are all happiness boosters.

So go crazy and start doing RAKs or SAKs every day – not only will you make someone else’s day, you will also be making yourself happier!

To learn more about Sonja’s work, head over to  http://chass.ucr.edu/faculty_book/lyubomirsky/

If you’ve been following the various Reflections made on this web site, you probably think that our aim is to inspire people to give (in the form of Random Acts of Kindness, or RAKs) all the time.

You would be be mistaken.

Our aim is to encourage a world where everyone does RAKs on a daily (ideally) or a weekly basis.The small distinction in these 2 descriptions is that if everyone is doing RAKs, it is likely that everyone will also be the recipient of at least some.

In order to have a fulfilling life, your giving & receiving must be in balance. Doreen Virtue knew this and included a card to this effect in her set of Oracle cards , “Daily guidance from your angels“. According to this card, “The entire Universe operates in cycles similar to your inhalations and exhalations. When you only exhale (give) or only inhale (receive), you become out of rythm with the universe. For optimal health, energy and replenishment, balance each inhalation in your life with an exhalation”.

Her concept is not new or unique. Stephen Post has been doing research for quite some time at the University of Cleveland in Ohio that proves that ‘being good’ leads to longer, healthier, and happier lives. He has documented the results of this research in his book “Why good things happen to good people”, and was interviewed by Rachel Kohn in ABC Radio National’s The Spirit of Things. There is a very interesting excerpt from this interview (underline is mine) that I transcribe below :

Rachael Kohn: Well let’s talk about giving. Is there a kind of optimum measure of giving?

Stephen Post: An optimum measure.

Rachael Kohn: Can you overdo it?

Stephen Post: Yes. In fact I want to make that point very clear. In the studies that are presented in the book, many of the researchers point out that when we are overwhelmed by giving, for example, someone who is involved in care-giving in an intense way, in fact being a person of kindness and goodness can be counter-productive. People do suffer from increased stress and stress-related illness when they are overwhelmed and overburdened.

So it’s very important to recognise that there has to be balance in people’s lives, there’s no one formula, no one recipe, everybody’s different, everybody has different strengths and limits. But in general, so long as people are not overwhelmed, there is something in the very process of giving itself that is beneficial.

As Stephen points out, if you burden yourself with the responsibility of giving, it can lead to stress-related problems. This stress can also have unintended consequences, the most dramatic of which would be to influence you directly to stop the very act of giving.

The problem with an imbalanced giving & receiving equation is that it can lead to negative & destructive emotions. Too much giving can make you feel that others’ are not grateful or fair to you, and that The Universe or People are taking advantage of you. Too much receiving, on the other hand, will lead you to feeling that you are taking advantage of others and being unfair.

Our advise: Make sure you aim for balance in your giving and receiving. If you feel you are receiving too much, start giving now; better yet, use one of our cards to give to others, and encourage them to Pass it Forward. Or if you are giving too much, find ways to recognise and appreciate what you receive. That is almost guaranteed to encourage others to make you the recipient of RAKS. If that does not work, simply make sure that you are not overburdening yourself with the responsibility of giving.

And remember: It’s been proven that doing good deeds for others will lead to longer, healthier, and happier lives. So get started today: Improve your life by doing some Random Acts of Kindness now!